by journi on December 5, 2009
My hubby is putting up the Christmas tree for me. Insists we decorate. He is going to take me to knitting at the library the afternoon since the legs stopped working with the cold weather. I can’t wait to see me friends. I am knitting a “Perfect Square” blanket and then going to crochet around it for my next addition in February. I h ope it turns out. It consists only on knit and incrreases and so far my fingers are cooperating. I just worry about the fringe when it comes time. I am running out of time on this thing. I have the gift bag but not the gift yet; typical, LOL
by journi on December 5, 2009
Slept until 7. Feels good. Freezing outside, but the “Shadow” of my Soul hasn’t hit yet. Dreamed the usual, except for the cow that was attacking me and wanted me to milk her. Wierd how the mind goes.
by journi on December 4, 2009
Up an hour and already “pacing”. Why do the days have to be so long and the nights so short? It’s obvious I am losing the war on depression today. I think it started years ago, but the timing is awful right now. I have been off-line so long I have lost touch with so many friends and feel so alone. I need to spend time working all this out but I thought it was a done deal. Now, as the pain increases, my will to do anything decreases. The only paradox is my mind won’t stop wanting to function and I run out of thoughts that are anything other than harbingers of doom. Thanks for being there anonymity. Maybe I will meet you sometime.
by journi on December 3, 2009
Everytime I get sick or go off line for awhile, my page and password disappear. I have done so much since last writing and log on today to see if I can get fingers working. I went to Wimberly by myself and found out I can’t weave and came home and found out I can knit. I think you will see me more and more on line though it will be several weeks before I can get all the passwords worked out. A bit Blessed thank you to Robyn for the look of my new site. God Bless you Sweetie – you are my ever-Angel.
by journi on November 10, 2009
I can’t believe the time is going so fast. Today a have to pack to go to Wimberly and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to learn how to weave once I get there. I have been in such a slump as you well know, just can’t snapout of it. I do so little to not aggravate my “condition” that I have become unmotivated and lazy. I prefer to be a recluse to anything else and prefer to sleep to be awake. I know it’s just a stage but it’s hard being unwell and having to fight all the emotional crap that goes along with it. I know one I get to next week I will be much better but it’s that waiting that drives me to destractio. I get tired of knitting even and my house is so out of order I do’t know where anything is. I need to redo it and clean it top to bottom; get my friend Gloria, who helps me clean, to help me whip this place back into shape. I feel so meesy on the inside and perfect on the outsode – just like the house. Oh well. For sow, another day grows.
by journi on November 9, 2009
Sometimes with handicapped people they don’t want to move about. I have chronic pain and there fore I’m still sitting ini Pj’s and knitting and watching TV. I may do this for another hour until I get the urge to straighten up the house and then (of courses) take a nap. List making is a serious tool that helps me. Simple lists like Wake Up, take meds. brush teeth, take shower, makeup, etc……..each item I check out this helps me know I accomplished sometime. Even though I am not in the chair at the moment, I am captured by pain to minimal movement. I need a motivator – I think I will work on my lists for next week. Oh lucky you , you’ll know when I brush my teeth, lol.
by journi on November 9, 2009
I had to write to someone, so I guess, dear blog will have to do. I have been in a fog for a month during which, as you see genious gremlins were working on my site again. I go to Wimberly this week to take weaving lesons. please wish me luck. I am getting so I can’t knit well with my hand and am quite frustrated by the new handicap. Even typing is a chore which is why I haven’t wanted to work on this blog. As you can see, I am still in a funk. Yuck. No reason just here in the funk. The doctors say that the sleeping 18 hours a day is a result of the disease but I sure miss a lot of living. Well dearest blog. Keep up the good work and keep on recording that there once was a fool called Karlee who liked to write and live but did neither very well.
by journi on October 2, 2009
It’s past my bedtime, but I’m sitting here because I can’t sleep. All sorts of psychotic rhetoric is cluttering my brain. I wonder if I am worthy; I wonder if I am capable – but the worst wonder and the most terrifing is the wonder that I am all used up. Oh, Hell. There, I cursed. I want to make dolls. I want to learn
how to weave and I want to sew. All of these things are withing my reach but I worry that I won’t be smart enough to learn them, that this aged brain
is too far gone to retain anything new. Or that by the time I master the technique, I won’t be able to function physically well enough to do them.
Giving away all my jewelry making supplies has been probably the most traumatic thing to happen to me. I worry because I worked for so many years to start
up a workshop; made so many prototypes – and then when I was ready – I could no longer manipulate the tiny pieces – my body betrayed me. Again.
I did however start my art project from yesterday, but it’s currently on Vellum and a camera won’t capture what I have done so far. Nope folks, you don’t get to see the picture I promised, but remember, I always break promises – just ask my kids.
So here I sit as I write my dreams in hopeful anticipation of living my dreams and on I go……into the night……alone. And SO I sit, in the quiet – silently worrying that my creative life is over.
But to all you good folks who keep picking me up I wish you a:
As for me? I am going to read a sewing pattern. That should put me to sleep.
by journi on October 2, 2009
Today we are in the grip of a high pressure system which is fighting with a low pressure system to create the most beautiful, if not confused day. I love fresh air, hate being confined in an air conditioned, either hot or cold, environment so have thrown open all my windows to a blustery breezy day which is mostly cloudy and threatening to rain any minute. I was grumbling to myself this morning about how it is so irritating to have to open the windows, just to close them again, (remember, I’m disabled, not lazy) but then suddenly realized without the threat of rain, there would be no such day at all. Then I started to think of love – and I realized that as love blooms and grows as any living thing must do, it also bleeds. I guess, it’s the age old battle of good vs. evil, like vs. hate, solar vs lunar – a contrast of opposites that make up our reality when combined. Anyway – the important thing that came of this day is the wondrous imagery of love – how to grab it and actually draw it. Thus – my art project for the day…………………I will draw and paint love. (How ethereal I wax today, LOL.)
I think part of my present introspection has begun because I am losing the ability to type and also knit. I don’t know what to do with myself without these two outlets. And it’s not that I can’t do it, it’s just that doing it takes so much energy now to be exact. I used to type 120 words a minute – now, I’m down to about 20. I used to knit a sock a week, now I’m down to simple square a month. I get frustrated and I don’t know what to do. So I press on and let my mind conjure up images for those things that can’t even be properly described, let alone seen. I will post my phantom picture tomorrow. Two daily entries for the price of one.
Wow – I’m just too mellow today to stand, aren’t I?
by journi on October 1, 2009
Well, – I certainly haven’t accomplished my goal of “UPDATED DAILY”, have I?
I need to be updated daily; if not I get so caught up in the Drama of life, I forget this is the only one we have and waste it.
Which is what have I been doing: well mostly feeling sorry for myself and running to a bunch of doctors who I am honestly getting to the point of believing that the fact that I am on “medicare disability” is like wearing a sign: This one needs lots of tests; this one needs lots of medicine; this one needs lots of ………… awe, you get the idea. Anyway. After playing doctor round-chair and spending the rest of the time exhausted in bed – well, I fail myself again.
Ever do that? Fail yourself? It’s actually worse on you emotionally than failing another person. I guess it goes to the quote of ‘love your neighbor as yourself’? I mean, if you are constantly failing, it’s hard to love yourself. If you’re constantly “hating” yourself – well, who wants to spend time with someone they hate? Ah, and therein lays the paradox—————-how do you not spend time with yourself?
Well, actually, it’s quite easy – you just zone out into another world. You get lost in chores and in books and TV and whatever rocks your ladder – it works every time – believe me.
The only problem is that you don’t live, let alone live creatively you are technically DEAD. And that’s the paraBOX (excuse the pun) I’ve been stuck in. The “why can’t I’s”…………….why didn’t I………..oh, and then there is my favorite – I COULD have done that and SHOULD have done that but DIDn’t have the time to do it. In reality, I didn’t even see what to do. I was just passing time. Actually, I was dead (to the world of course).
So there’s my dissertation for the day. I fail and therefore I hate myself. Ahhhhhhhh, but stay with me here – I feel a song coming on.
Because guess what? It’s just a lie. I must be full of them because I keep having these little epiphanies that as long as I stay connected to the outside world – I will get by. I will be present in the moment. I will be actually living. OK, that’s enough of that.
What have I been up to? Wasting time and pretending it didn’t exhist so I wouldn’t miss it. SO. “I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again”. (that was the aformentioned and promised song, by the way)…..
Thanks for hanging in there. I will be back soon with the next topic – never buy a powerchair from this medical supply company………………It’s a cool story, check in again tomorrow. I promise, I’ll be here.
